Sometimes it takes an asshole to set you on fire again…

I have only just begun to realize that not only have I been a people pleaser all my life, but I have been bullied as well. It began as a child. My dad and mom were both abused emotionally and physically growing up. When I came along, they left off the physical abuse, but man, did they ever hammer me with psychological abuse. They called it tough love. This is complete bullshit. It’s abuse. The home I grew up in was so unsettling, I couldn’t wait to get out when I got eighteen. It didn’t matter that I left. The scars were inside me already. I entered this world with no self esteem, no real sense of self worth, and abandonment issues. The abandonment issues are another post entirely.

What I’m getting at is that my parents didn’t know any better, but they programmed me to hate myself. I didn’t believe in anything, but most of all I did not believe in me. I went around with a bottomless pit inside me. I was trying to fill the void by kissing people’s asses all day, everyday. I put on whatever face I needed to to be accepted by everyone around me. I let people have their way with me. I took their all their abuse. Emotional and sexual alike, just to fit in. I wanted love and acceptance in whatever form it came in. I was giving all of my energy away. For decades I have done this.

I let bosses run me over and make me cry in front of my bar guests. I let them take advantage of me and I picked up shifts that I did not want. I bowed in complete fear that I would lose my job. The same thing went down with relationships. I bent and bent to make sure the man I was with was always happy. I was afraid of confrontation. Afraid of losing them and ending up alone. Afraid of me. Being by myself. HELLO, abandonment issues!!!!

Now let’s fast forward to today. My parents have died. Along with all the missed opportunities and things I let go for their sake. I’m on my fourth marriage which is currently hanging on by a thread because he is used to the version of me that I have described above. Ever since I have pursued MY interests, it’s been like trying to break a new horse in. He’s bucking and resisting and telling me I have changed. Everything is all different and that I am not the same person that he married. No, I am most certainly not. The folks that used to have power over you start feeling threatened by this new person that surfaces when you lean into your true self. They were in control before and now they’re loosing their grip. It’s not enjoyable to lose your source of empowerment, I suppose.

I’ve always been an empath. Overly sensitive and I could sense what people wanted from me and that made me wonderful people pleaser. I was a chameleon for years. It made an amazing bartender, I tell ya. Nobody could come close to me behind the bar. But pretty soon the taste of eating everybody else’s shit gets bitter in your mouth. One day you just start to realize, I don’t like the taste of shit! I’m done with it. The heart does not lie. You can only live so long letting your dreams go down the toilet while watching your husband watch episode after episode of Criminal Minds. For fuck’s sake! Go sign up at the police academy already!!! Shit!

What I’m trying to say to you is fuck this shit. Whoever you are, man or woman, Chinese, Japanese, white, black, gay, straight. It’s time to stand up. It’s time to quit eating shit. Fuck them. It’s our turn. This planet fucking needs us to pursue OUR dreams and to turn it all around. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from stepping into your dreams BUT YOU. Get out of your own way. You know good and well that when you are pursuing something that interests you that you are amazing at it. Do you know why you suck at other stuff? Because it’s not your path. It’s the path of someone else or one that someone else wants you to do because they never did it themselves. That shit belongs to them, not you. You’re not responsible for their happiness. Grab the reins. Twirl on your haters. Bye Felicia!!!!

In conclusion, I’d personally like to thank my husband, Brian for inspiring this article by being a complete dick to me this morning. After all who else could spark such an inferno? Who else knows the buttons to push to make me that MUCH STRONGER? Sometimes it takes an asshole to inspire you to stand up for yourself. Someone who drills on your weaknesses so often that it begins to strengthen those weak spots into powerful energy. Energy you can use to write articles and inspire others with. To make memes like this one to empower other past-people-pleasing women to ROAR into action.

 

18839482_10212103507435602_1456602859946480084_o

Stop taking their shit ladies.  We’re not here to take over the planet, but we are here to balance the scales again. Find your inner diva and if it takes some asshole to bring it out of you, you better ROAR NOW and thank him later!!!! Then fuck the shit out of him later because you’re the one with all the power anyway. We just forgot, that’s all.

I love you all, including the assholes. You are bringing back the goddess.

Missy

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Sometimes it takes an asshole to set you on fire again…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s