Boy was I mad yesterday. Over the course of about a week and a half I have worked over eighty hours. I had a book signing and event for the book I contributed a story to called 365 Life Shifts and I took some extra days off that week. We got behind on paying a couple of the bills and I was working hard to get us caught up again.
The thing is, I have always been overly sensitive. I felt very sad when I was left out or when I was the last kid picked for dodgeball. I always had this yearning to fit in, but somehow I always managed to manifest exactly the opposite. Go figure. With what we know about the Law of Attraction, the wanting of something simply leads to more wanting of that something. You have to feel something different in order to experience something different, right? Well, back then, I had no clue what the Law of Attraction even was, let alone how to use it!
Getting back to my story, I see now that I was still struggling with abandonment issues and feeling left out. Until yesterday. Until I felt that vibrational gap between needing someone to accept me and me knowing that no matter what happened, I was whole and complete with out needing anyone else to fill those needs for me. What a revelation that was! You’ll see, just like I did, that what was going on before yesterday goes by another name as well. Codependency.
Like I said, I had worked many long hours at the Kohl’s e-commerce million square foot warehouse. They treat their employees very good there. They gave us Mother’s Day goodies and they pay us for two breaks a day. But the hours are long and it’s awfully hard on your body. I have been pushing myself because I know I can do anything when I put my head on it just right. Well, after about eighty hours lately, I found out there was a family cookout yesterday that no one told me about. My husband went and he never told me about it. I immediately went off the deep end. I had not even had enough time, or even money in the bank to go put flowers on my mom’s grave. Are you kidding me? I felt so angry and left out. Left out. I went onto Facebook, ranted a mile a minute for like a half hour, then I turned my phone off. Fuck everyone. I was so mad. Sitting in silence, I pondered one of my own Facebook posts. I stated that I would have to go listen to Beyonce and Rihanna just to get my power back. When, exactly, did I lose my power?
I’ll tell you when. It was the moment I needed someone else, or something else to make me feel whole inside. But before I could reach this revelation, I squirmed in that hate and jealousy for a while. How could they dare leave me out? They did not even tell me about it. My husband never told me about it. That part made me really mad. So I went on in my thinking to conclude that this is what my summer was going to consist of. Being left out every weekend while I worked at the warehouse. I posted that I would have easily given up the extra $12 to hang out with my family for the day. (Kohl’s pays a shift differential to motivate people to work more on the weekends.) I was really wallowing in it.
Now here is the truth of it all. There were two motivators behind why I chose to work weekends at the warehouse. The extra $1 on the hour was one, but the major reason that no one else knows about until right now, is this. If I worked Friday, Saturdays, and Sundays then that leaves the entire rest of the week for me to write. My husband works Monday through Friday so that gives me the silence I need to continue making my dream into reality. The truth is, I chose me a long time ago. The truth is, I picked me over codependency in the beginning. I need nothing or no one to fulfill me. I need nothing external to complete me on the inside. I have been creating my world according to my specifications. So yay me. I choose me for the first time in my life. These emotions were simply the after effects of me shedding the older version of myself. The knee jerk response was an old habit. Now I know I have a truer, more authentic self coming into being. I love my family and all, but no cookout will ever make me or break me ever again.
Stand whole and complete on your own. Shine brighter and take up the whole stage by yourself. You are a star. Now start acting like it!!!
I love you as big as the Universe can hold!!!