I have been allowing myself to believe that I have had such a horrible month. I got so angry over never making any money at the restaurant I was working at that I finally made the jump. I didn’t like the idea of leaving the company I was working for with no two weeks notice, but the way things worked out with orientation for the new job, the schedules ended up overlapping and I had to make a choice between letting them down and me doing what was best for my family. I made the decision to make the jump, although I managed to feel guilty for a little while over it. But over all it felt good, and even a little empowering, to do what was best for me for once.
Next came the waiting game. I started working for the new company and because they hired so many seasonal employees all at one time, they were not able to get us all set up for direct deposit by the time we were supposed to get our first paychecks. I thought one simple thought that I wish I had never thought. I may have even said it out loud. BIG mistake. It even had some real emotion of fear attached to it as well when I said it. As we all know, emotion is jet fuel for intentions, positive or negative. I said to my husband,”I bet I don’t get my first check on time.” Low and behold, I spoke that right into being. The paycheck I should have gotten on October 28, is still not here. The second check actually came before the first one once the direct deposits were all set up. Unreal. Watch your words people, watch your words!!! We did what we had to do to get the rent paid. But it got paid.
Changing jobs stressed me out for almost a month now. I am getting tired of being sick and tired. I haven’t written a single article since my dad’s birthday, October 19. I was extremely sad because he’s passed over. I really miss my parents. I realized now how much they loved me and they had the best intentions always for me. If they said something wrong, it was usually because they were under a lot of stress or misinformed. I know now they had to step out of the picture in order for me to grow anymore. Trust me. I fell flat on my face multiple times since they have exited the planet. Whew. I have been a hot mess.
But here is something I have realized. I have been at the bottom a couple of times. I still keep getting back up. I am survivor. I am a fighter. I am a force. I am unstoppable. I truly am. There isn’t much that could ever stop me. After I fall, I get sick of feeling helpless and that Divine Spark in me takes over again. I start to rise. I get done what I said I was going to do, and much more. I always come back swinging.
One thing I have noticed about myself is that I don’t think anything beautiful could come out of creating something while in a negative mood. I haven’t written in almost a month! I mean, sweet release, if nothing else! Some amazing works of art have been created when someone has felt anger or sadness. Why should I hold back when I am angry??? I will tell you why. Conditioning. Self imposed guilt and shame for expressing our emotions. I compare anger to passion when it is transmuted. Fire. Passion. Rage. It’s the next level up from sadness, weakness and shame. It is an emotion of action. It moves you forward. I would even venture to say that by expressing it with no shame or no holding back, that it could even inspire other people to do exactly the same. No holds barred.
There is no shame in holding back your negative emotions. I mean, sometimes you are even rewarded. Take a look at Eminem, for example. He was so angry at his alcoholic-addict mom that he really blew her out of the water for a few years. It appears he had an equally abhorrent baby mama who probably played head games with him and used his daughter as a tool. Not that I would know anyone like that in my own life!! 😉 No wonder he hated women so much. The ones he trusted and loved were assholes to him. No wonder he wanted to fight back. It’s no wonder he did!! If you follow him at all, you’ll see even he has softened over the years. He’s started to forgive his mom. His song Headlights is proof of that. You have to take time to heal and forgive. Everyone is valuable, no matter how dark the skeletons in your closet are!!
Use your voice. Make people uncomfortable. It’s your life. Say it all!!! Let it out! As for me, I will try to adhere to my own advice. I promise to write even when I am feeling like shit on the inside.