I can’t say that the mud slinging session I started on Facebook today didn’t help me recognize my own path. I got some pretty harsh feedback from people and rightly so. If I spout off that kind of anger that I flung out into cyberspace today, I totally deserve the backlash that I received.
In the end, I had to own it. All of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly of it all. I created this mess and my weight issue. Now I gotta get down to business making the changes. It’s my fault. I own it. I allowed and created this version of myself. I wasn’t mad at the girl that posted her negative opinion of fat people, I was mad at ME.
My ego did not want to accept responsibility for my own actions. I was projecting the anger for myself outwards at other people. I wasn’t dissatisfied with them, I am dissatisfied with me. That’s growth in my book folks. I recognized it. I accepted responsibility for it!! I win.
There’s a part of me that is sad and lightly grieves for the broken girl who listened to other people when they told her things like,”you keep on going you’re gonna be 300 pounds before you know it.” Things like,”once you put it on, you’ll never be able to lose it all again.” Or “you’ll always be fat. It’s in your genes.”
Sure, I wanna soothe that girl who believed all of that. The girl who was sexually assaulted and never wanted to be pretty again out of fear that someone might hurt her again. The fat made me ugly and I felt safer that way.
I am safe now. That will never happen again. Now it hurts more to stay in the fat suit. It hurts more to NOT be loved because I feel like I am too ugly to be loved. I want it gone. I can’t live like this anymore. The fat is coming off no matter what I have to do!
I know I listened to some bad people who told me I could never lose this weight and that no one would ever love me again. I listened to my abusers and I believed them because I was emotionally weak. But, by God, I know I am worthy of love! I know I deserve complete health and wellness and happiness. I can do it be anything I want to be. I can lose this weight forever. Once and for all. All it takes is one thing for it to happen. I have to forgive myself.
I must forgive myself for listening to other people who programmed me with “you can’ts” instead of “you cans!” I must forgive myself for believing them. I just did not know any better.
For those of you who think that using your voice is wrong, fear not! Do your family and friends tell you not to share your feelings with others on social media?? Don’t listen. Don’t be afraid to grow. Look for the lesson in why you feel how you do. You will grow and learn about yourself immensely.
Without a fire, a Phoenix cannot rise.
Love you all!