Lately I have been like a pot ready to boil over. At any given moment, I’m ready to bubble over and burn the shit out of someone. I really was not sure why. I just pushing it back down or ignoring it. I was not owning it.
This kept happening in situations where I had let myself down. Where some need of mine had not been met. I kept looking outside of myself for someone to blame. For example, on Sundays I always watch the Bengals game. Kickoff is at 1:00. Two Sundays in a row, I have missed kickoff and I became quite upset. It’s not missing the kickoff so much, it’s that my needs were ignored. I even tried blaming my husband for it. Guess what? It was MY fault. I got up, made breakfast for my stepson and his friend who had slept over and I went to the grocery store for my husband’s lunch supplies for the week.
What I haven’t told you yet is that I did all of the dishes from breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen. Brian had even told me not to worry about getting the lunch stuff, he would go to the store when he took Josh back to his mom that evening. I did not have to do the dishes or go to the store before the game. I just felt guilty for sitting down to the game if things were not in order first. That sounds like my mom. That sounds like I was running off of old programming. What would it have hurt if the dishes waited three more hours? Why did I feel bad for letting Brian go to the store? Old belief systems, that’s why.
Unworthiness, that’s why. It hit me like a truck. I was ignoring my own needs. AGAIN. If I don’t put my wants and needs first, then no one else can help me. I made the decisions on my own, although blindly. Subconsciously I had ignored my own needs and then experienced angst because of it. Even started a fight between Brian and I! Then in the middle of the fight, I realized what I had done and I started to THANK him for helping me learn a lesson about myself. I honestly think the man thought I had lost my mind! I ended up going to the bowling alley to watch the game and to give us both time to cool off.
Today is my fifth wedding anniversary. I woke up mad. Do you know why? Last night I was at work and my ex-husband texted me Happy Anniversary. I had forgotten all about our anniversary today. Brian has to work dayshift and I work nightshift. We won’t even get to see each other today. I accepted that this is my fault too. I guess with AD/HD you have to set an event alert to remember your anniversary. I was once again the responsible party. I felt mad because maybe my marriage isn’t a priority like it used to, but maybe if I give myself the benefit of the doubt, I can just say I forgot. Can I forgive myself again?? Maybe if I go set an event alert for next year’s anniversary right now I can! UGGGH.
Growing and learning about yourself is hard and it’s humbling. It brings you down a notch. All of this time, for my entire life I have been putting other people’s needs first. I think how can I ever make up for the past? Well, you can’t. You have to forgive yourself and start implementing a new operating system in the NOW. Forgiveness of self is a must. Remembering that your needs matter might be frustrating and even feel selfish at first, but you don’t have a choice if you want to evolve. If you want to become the next bigger better version of yourself, you have to take back the reins. You have to put your needs first. Sure, other people will be uncomfortable when you start to set boundaries, or you might get lucky and find that they had no problem with accommodating your needs because they do actually love you and care for you.
One thing is for sure, we all have to walk our own path and learn it in our own special way. Our worst enemy is always going to be ourselves. Me. I am my own worst enemy. I am simply not used to putting myself first. Maybe I can save you from some resentment and anger by telling you to love yourself. You shouldn’t put other people first if it’s going to make you resent them secretly inside. Your pot will eventually boil over and burn you and everyone you love as a result.
Today’s lesson: Value your own wants and needs just as much as everyone else in your life!!
Love you all