So, the struggle is real, my friends. There’s a process of peeling away of the layers as we begin to explore not only believing in infinite possibilities, but knowing that there are infinite ways for our dreams to come into being.
I have an example of this. A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I had an argument. He actually told me that my writing was wrecking people’s lives. I was angry at him for this especially considering my writing has never interfered with our lives. I never took time away from us or our time with my stepson. I actually only got to write in complete peace when he was gone to work during the day and I was scheduled at night in the restaurant where I work. The house would be quiet and I could get a lot done.
What I found after writing the book, which I am now editing, that it has become an outlet for my emotions that I have been pushing down and ignoring and for fourteen years, I drank and drugged to hide from them. I am free to let it all out now and I feel wonderful and accomplished after a good session. Now I finally understand how creativity can serve as therapy while becoming an example that other people can use to speak up and about all of their dark times they have been pushing down over the years. It can inspire them to share and heal, and that gives me a sense of purpose as well.
Fast forward to last night. I burst into tears. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I just felt restless. That is the second night in a row that I felt shitty and I cried the night before until my stomach was in knots. I scanned my mind for a possible trigger or cause. There were no holidays that made me think of and miss my mom and dad, since they are both passed away now. I just finished my period, so I know it was not my bouts of sometimes uncontrollable surges of emotion due to PMS. I just kinda got still for a minute. After a couple minutes of being open to suggestions as to why I might be feeling shitty, I got a flash of insight. I had not been writing. I was putting my own needs aside AGAIN.
I was repeating the same pattern of behavior over and over. I was still repressing myself and complying with what other people wanted me to do. Reflecting back on living life with my ex husbands, my parents, and at work, I realized how submissive I had always been. It all made sense. I had not been writing because I subconsciously knew it would make Brian unhappy. Sure, I still feel strongly about finishing my book, and I know that the Universe will support me in whatever I choose to do, but I didn’t really realize what was happening because I was still running off of that old conditioning I am talking about in my book. I learned to avoid confrontation and stay quiet throughout the years. Peace was scarce in my household with two stubborn, mean hillbillies for parents. My mom was schizophrenic and my dad just believed what the man said goes, not to mention he was a horrible racist. I always just went to my room and did as I was told in order to keep the peace. If you are interested in following the progress of my book, here’s my Facebook page for it.
Last night I figured out what I had been missing and searching for all of my life. Strength, bravery, and respect. I gave my rights up to those qualities a very long time ago. I gave up my dream of being a cheerleader and a great tumbler. I gave up my dreams of becoming a great artist and sculptor. I gave up my dream of opening up to my psychic abilities. Everything I ever wanted to become and knew I was more than capable of doing, I gave it up. I gave it all up for other people to make then happy. I let them control me. To keep the peace. To keep from rocking the boat. To avoid confrontation.
This morning on the way to work I listened to Confident by Demi Lovato, Started From the Bottom by Drake, and Me Too by Meghan Trainor. I was raising my energy and feeling my inner strength. I allowed myself to feel that fire and power surging through me for once and boy did it feel amazing. I was so charged up when I walked into work and you won’t believe what happened. I walked in and my boss caught me at the door and said,”Oh we tried to call you. We’re not opening the patio today because of all the storms that are heading in. You’re free to go home.” I jumped up and down with excitement. I told him,”that’s totally awesome because I had this big revelation that I have been really sad lately because I haven’t gotten to write and Brian has been home because he was on crutches because he rolled his ankle and I am so excited he went back to work now and I can go home and WRITE!!!” He told me to have fun and enjoy writing after he looked at me like I was crazy, of course! LOL.
The Universe created an opening for me!!!! I have survived the swing of the pendulum once again. Life seemed like it might be falling apart, but it was really falling together! I am back on track!! This phase took about two weeks of production away from me, but I know I am just staying aligned with divine timing! Now that I got through another life lesson, I feel energized and inspired to be writing again instead of feeling like I am forcing it. Creativity should flow easily, after all!
I just felt like sharing another real time story of synchronicity and my life lesson with you before getting back to editing the book. Everyone’s path unrolls in different ways so yours will be totally different than mine. That’s the adventure that we call life. We need only know one thing, if you are on your path to creating something, don’t give up. It’s going to happen. Sometimes when we think we have learned everything that we need to know about ourselves, or think we have shed all of our blocks, something else pops up. I didn’t realize I had been so submissive all of my life until last night. This experience was necessary for whatever is ahead. I need to be able to own my own wants and desires or someone will come along and be able to push me off my path again. You can’t have that when you’re about to take over the World!
With that said, I am making the choice to reset boundaries once again in my life. To take time to write if I want to. I can sit at the library all day long and write if I want to. I don’t have to come right home when Brian gets there. I need this time. I need this space. I have to create. We were created to create!
Love you guys!!! Create a wonderful day for yourself today!!!