I let someone decide what I was going to do in life. Again. Not consciously, but by running on that old programming that I guess started back when I was a kid. I was on a hot streak there for a while. Burning up the keyboard writing and editing this book. Then my husband and I had a fight. He doesn’t believe in things like infinite possibilities and becoming successful through changing your thoughts. That is ALL I think about. It’s my destiny. Living it. Learning it. Teaching it. Everything about co-creation is what I am setting my thoughts on.
So the fight consisted of him telling me that this book was never going to be successful. he shared his limited and close minded opinion about how people write thousands of books every year and they are never successful. I shared with him my unlimited thinking. “Yes, but now we have the internet and self publishing and positive minded creative people that support each other in their endeavors and that I plan on building my following from the ground up with love and acceptance starting with the people, not trying to mail a manuscript to a publisher. He insisted that my efforts would result in my failure and proceeded to ask me when all of this was done and over and nothing came of it, would I give it all up and stop wrecking people’s lives with this nonsense. (I shared all of this conversation minus the cussing and yelling BTW)
I was offended by both of the statement and the question. First of all, I have NEVER taken any time from family to write. I always promised writing would fit in around family. That’s the whole reason I want to create to make my living. So I don’t have a boss, or a schedule, or a deadline to meet. I want life to fill in around writing and vice versa, so I only used the time that he was working and that I was home by myself to write. I could be running off to the library taking time from us all the time, but I don’t. The question he asked offended me as well. He expects me to just take all of this time, emotion, and love with what I feel to be one of the reasons I am on the planet, try for like a week or two and then just give it up. That’s all. Just give up. in the day and age when we have technology that connects us all over the world to people everywhere who may have grown up with a racist parent, who may have grown up with a schizophrenic family member and has no one to talk to or no on who understands. They might need to know that there is someone who is BRAVE ENOUGH to talk about it all. The good and the bad. They may need a helping hand. They may have grown up making really shitty decisions in their life like I did and they still are feeling like shit about themselves. I am that hand reaching out to them. I will tell you that I screwed up royally. I screwed up bad.
My husband wanted me to stop trying to help people. That’s what I thought. Then tonight, after he rolled his ankle on Friday night and has been walking on crutches for two days, and we both have been watching Netflix until we’re ready to pull our hair out, he asked me why i wasn’t working on my book. HUH?? “But you told me you didn’t want me to work on it! I haven’t worked on it in a week. I don’t want to wreck your life with my creativity.” To that he responded,”No, I just don’t want you to get upset when it doesn’t get the results you’re expecting. You need to quit expecting this to be so big.” My spiritual jaw just fell open at this point and I was thinking,”it’s taken me all my life to turn my negative self around into fully believing that something amazing could be happening to me right now because the Universe will not let up on me writing this book. There’s just too much momentum behind this to stop it now.”
I realized right then that he could never know without seeing it happen. He was the equivalent of the people that said Edison was crazy when he was trying to invent the light bulb. What if Edison had given up on his passion? What if the Wright Brothers would have given up? What if Alexander Graham Bell would have given up? Thank God we don’t listen to these pessimists and people with limited thinking. How would the world have gotten to where we are now without people who believed anything was possible? Desire and want were placed into us for a reason. For growth and evolution. The Universe wants nothing more than to expand, have new experiences, and have more. To create more. To desire more. To make new species, to make new types of cars, to make new kinds of people. Diversity is beauty seen through the eyes of God. Our uniqueness is what makes us so important. It doesn’t really matter what form creation comes in. one of my favorite creators EVER is Eminem. He takes his emotions and channels them through creativity to share with others. Yes, his music was very dark and abusive in the beginning, but even he has healed through creation and sharing his true inner feelings with the world. it doesn’t matter where you start. Anger is one step above depression and to me, that’s a step toward healing. Now Eminem’s music reflects where he is after deciding to sober up. He is allowing his feelings to evolve and so has his music as a result. I LOVE his song Headlights because it is his apology to his mother for taking things too far in his earliest songs about her. He was angry and very hard on her in the beginning. Blaming her for everything that ever went wrong in his life, but in the song Headlights, he recognizes that her years are numbered and her health and mental states are declining. He’s starting to forgive her.
He’s inspired me to share even my anger I had for my parents while I was growing up. He’s inspired me to not only clean out my closet and tell it all about them, but also how I screwed up. To own it all. To offer it up. To shake out my rug. I feel like it’s cleaning my slate. I want other people to become aware that they could be making decisions based on what their parents told them about themselves. Can’t help it. I’m here to help save the world, but in the meantime, I’m still vulnerable. I’m still an empath. I’m still sensitive.
It’s hard to believe, but it happened again. I almost gave up on my dream to avoid confrontation. I almost let my husband’s words convince me to give up on my dream. I almost let his being uncomfortable with my plan to take over the world stop me from doing just that. Be aware empaths, some people don’t share your vision. Keep on shining. Make it happen. Keep pushing. Keep believing. Keep knowing it into being. It will happen.
Love you all! ❤