My fear is not failing, it’s in succeeding!

I have so much faith and knowing that what I am doing right now is EXACTLY what the Universe or God wants me to do, that I am freaking out a little. I feel the momentum and energy around what i am creating for people, what the big picture surrounding it is, and some of the ripple effects it will have. There are definitely going to be more effects than what I can come up with in my mind, some may not be as pleasant as others. This book will probably anger a lot of people. It’s not preachy by any means. It’s just putting the light onto a subject, well, in my case two subjects that people are generally uncomfortable talking about. That’s ok. I’m prepared for the backlash in that sense. I expect people to put me down for exposing all my darkest secrets and all of my family’s darkest secrets. It’s not about that. It’s about owning it. Owning it all. Who I am, my background, my family’s past, everything that is mine already. I have always been that person, but I was always hanging my head in shame. Hiding it. Not owning it. Scared to death someone would find out what my family was really like.

Now more than ever, people are finding that if you embrace yourself, reach down inside yourself and find that brave strong person who endured it all, that you can turn that timid, ashamed, person in hiding inside out. You can expose yourself to the world, and guess what happens? Nothing. Nothing bad, anyway!!! You go right on and so does everyone else. It might circulate for a while and people may talk for a while and they may even resist you or reject you. Guess what else. You already went through the worst part. The actual experience itself is OVER. This is easy peasy. The criticism you may, and probably will receive from random other humans belongs to them. You don’t have to absorb that, react to it, or even pay attention to it. But this is why I’m hesitating. Well that, and a couple other reasons.

First of all, when i shared these stories across the bar with my regulars over the years, THEY were the ones telling me that I needed to write a book. I would shrug them off and be like “yeah right…” But I remember the level of entertainment and laughs and looks of shock that I would get from people as I was telling the stories that I am sharing in my book. They’d tell me to hurry back so they could hear the rest of the story! I would and they’d be hungry for more, like little kids! “Tell me another one!” My God, if this book catches on, I’ll shit myself a golden turd. I mean really! What if all of that suffering comes around full circle and proves to be exactly what brings me success and financial security. This is only the first one!!! I haven’t even started the second one. It’s going to tell all of MY crazy stories. The ones where I am the star of the show. The things that happened to me as a result of growing up in chaos. Let me tell you, this one is going to take everything in me to write. I made a lot of bad decisions. I was running with the programming that my parents put into my head. I was a failure, I would never amount to anything, you know, all the stuff I am sharing in my first book, My dad, the racist. My mom, the schizophrenic.

The next reason I am scared of success is money. Since I suck at saving and keeping my account positive, can I handle financial success? Since I blew through almost $100,000 in a few years time, can I handle having money and not letting it slip through my fingers?? My intuition, the little voice in my head that when i listen to it, i stay out of trouble, says “Yes. You can do it. You’re smarter now and you have already had that lesson. It was a BIG lesson too, wasn’t it?” I answer back reluctantly,”yes, it was a pretty big one. I know I won’t allow that craziness to happen again.”

The totally irrational and final fear that I have is drugs. If I am successful and this book goes worldwide like i am expecting it to, can I handle the pressure, the criticism, the attention, the media, without reverting back to drugs and/or alcohol? My little voice says “Yes. You can. You already had that lesson too, when you entered rehab with big quarter-sized sores all over your face, remember? You climbed out of your own personal bottom and it took a lot of time and a lot of therapy and a lot of journaling. It took bravery and courage to look inside yourself and find out why you were self sabotaging and self abusing.” It did. It was the most brave thing I have ever done, to look into the darkest parts of myself to find out that i was blaming myself for all of it. All of the bad things that my parents had ever been through. That was a heavy burden that I did not even know that I was carrying.

All of this, it takes balls. it takes courage. It takes power! What I am doing is opening myself up and making myself vulnerable in order to service humanity. So one person can say,”Wow. If she can talk about it, so can I!” OR “If she thinks she had it bad, I can top that story ten fold!” then great! Write it. Tell it! Scream it! Your story matters!!!! Tell it. No matter how dark your past is, it doesn’t have to define you!! I’m living proof of that! You can CHOOSE who and what you want to be! I made a lot of mistakes and I put a lot of people in danger when I was living my darkest days, but I was blessed. I never hurt anyone physically except myself. I had an angel on my shoulder the entire time. My mom surrounded me with prayer as well. She knew I was out drinking and drugging. I think that’s what got me home safely all those nights I was out fighting my demons with booze and drugs.

To wrap things up, the key to my success lays in my own hands. We want success, but many times, we hesitate. We’re scared to step out into the light. We’re scared to jump. It’s true, i’m petrified right now, but i’m going to push forward anyway. My whole life has prepared me for what is coming. If you guys find my stories as interesting and entertaining as my bar regulars did, I’m in for some big changes and soon. My stomach is actually turning as I am typing this. i feel THAT much like this is what I am here to do. Here to help other people suffer less. It’s okay to tell your stories and clear your conscious. Wipe the slate clean. Start fresh. I wouldn’t be sharing my past with you if I was still that person. This new me knows her value. This new me know she matters. This new me knows she can create her own happiness. She doesn’t have to let her past define her anymore. She’s like a newborn baby. Ready to start fresh, and ready to help other people suffer less in the world. I will light the way for people who wish to come forward and share their darkest times. Unity. That’s a big part of what i stand for. Coming together all over the world to end needless mental and physical suffering. I hope you join me in shedding all of your darkness. Rebirth. Create a new, better, successful version of yourself! We soooo got this!!!!

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