My restless soul…I can no longer resist

It must be time. It must be time for this to go down. It’s all that I think about 24/7. Let me tell you how much this book is basically torturing my soul. This story wants out. After the psychic fair back in April, when I had those healing treatments, i came out of that charged up, excited…hitting the ground running with my blog. I was topping out around 300 hits a day only posting to about 20 groups a day on Facebook. I wasn’t settling for anything less. Then something happened. I can’t remember exactly what it was. Maybe work picked up when it got warm out and I ended up with more shifts or what, but I stopped writing . I made excuses. I let it go. The one channel I had to relieve my soul of sharing my thoughts and beliefs with the world at large. I guess once I had let that beast loose, it was like plugging a creative dam. Although I did not realize this yet.

I got to feeling quite irritable and restless. I had pretty much let go of nurturing my soul and spirit all together for a while. That’s what usually happens after a psychic fair. I’ll be all charged up for a few weeks, excited about what I learned and experienced and who I met, and then slowly it will trail off into the distance to only be tended to in times of a crisis. Like maybe once I had some sort of stress, like working a lot, or my husband zapping me of all my energy, I would pop out and meditate and recharge, now and then. I might take the time to color in my adult coloring book that has very intricate tiny mandalas which require all my focus and concentration and many hours to complete. i might watch a Gaia video for a while and maybe write a random article.

I even thought it might be the planets in retrograde together. There was not only Mercury, but four others in retrograde as well for a time being. Now I am not an avid follower of astrology like I once was, say, 15 years ago, but one planet in retrograde meant that shit was gonna get rocky for a while. The only thing my intuition had to tell me about seeing that post come up on my Facebook feed multiple times was that shit was about to hit the fan. Only like 5 x’s worse. Maybe it was simply that thought that convinced my of that, and nothing else, but here’s what went down.

The weather shifted here in Cincy and the patio opened at my work, things got busier. People started crawling out of their winter time burrows here in Ohio. Well, if it wasn’t raining cats and dogs or hailing or a massive thunderstorm wasn’t going on. So work got crazy. I could see that restlessness in the guests at work too. I started wondering how close we were to a full moon. The guests always get impatient and almost grumpy when the full moon is approaching. We were still like 15 days out from a full moon. Hmmmm. Weird. i felt it too, though. That energy. That weirdness in traffic. Everyone cutting everyone off. Impatience. Irritability. Something was up for sure. I still was not writing. I had not made the connection yet. My dam was about to blow. I had plugged my creative outlet up. I was getting evil. Grumbly bear. I was bickering with the hubby, and feeding back into his negativity that I had come to be pretty good at protecting myself from. We were arguing. A lot. I started to wonder if I should be packing up to leave again. I could not find peace.

Then one day i had a great interaction with a spirit buddy from Facebook. She lives in Atlanta. We even talked on the phone. I wrote about it. This is what started breaking me out of that negative vibe i was swirling around in. We both were grateful for the interaction. I did an exercise from a Teal Swan video and I started feeling much better. I was about figuring out your negative imprints from the past so you can start to be free of that programming from childhood. It was awesome. It really helped for a little while. I was shifting right back into that pattern again after a few days. I still wasn’t writing consistently. I was back to that same mentality. I was starting to have issues with my foot suddenly. It really hurt along the side. I was in a lot of pain walking around serving at work. I was manifesting an illness. A disease. Well, what I have learned about illness it that it is a message to get your attention that something is not right emotionally or spiritually. It’s part of your emotional guidance system that Abraham talks about. I knew it had direct relevance to my resentment of working more at the restaurant. I never had anything like this before, after all. It was my soul’s way of telling me,”hey you don’t want to be doing this and we’ll just put a stop to it or at least make you back off your hours, this is too much! It’s not what you should be doing! This isn’t syncing up with what your soul really wants to be doing, which is writing!”

There it was. My answer. My dam had busted. The truth was out. I needed to be writing, I needed to be doing what my soul has been nagging at me to do for a lonnnnng time now. Writing my book. I mean it all made sense now. Retrograde or not, those feeling bubbled up in me for a reason. I had not created anything in a long time. i had not been relieved what wanted to come through me into the physical realm. I had not ever let go and actually expressed my feelings and thoughts in many, many years. I guess that is what was going on. Writing has been my only relief, my only escape and channel.

One time when I had been smoking, weed, not cigarettes, I had an epiphany. Maybe it was just relevant to me. I caught myself chewing my nails, and picking at my face while watching television. I all of a sudden got this thought that it was anxious energy. immediately following that thought was the thought that it would never stop. It would never go away until I gave myself some outlet for it. A creative outlet. I felt that the only relief for that anxious energy would be to create. To express myself. I knew my voice had been cut of for a long time, and I had suppressed my spirituality for like 15 years, but damn. Now I had to figure out how to give myself a voice. That about the time the blog happened. Then the psychic fair, then all of this wonderful learning about myself and craziness as of late.

I didn’t quite put it together because of my being caught up in the moment and the chaotic energy I was in, that I simply needed that outlet. There was something stirred alive in my soul that wasn’t going to settle for going back to the way things were before. I had unleashed the beast. I HAD to write to not want to strangle everyone I see at work, to not run over people full of road rage on the highway. To have balance within. A fortune cookie I got lately after eating Chinese said something to the effect of this”The transition that is supposed to happen is going to happen regardless,” give or take a couple words.But seriously? I don’t get a choice anymore?? A bartender gone writer/author??? That’s a funny one Universe! This reminds me of that song and video with Sia and Eminem. You have to watch the video for it to make sense. If you resonate with the above story at all, you should watch it. Here it is:

If you have been thinking of doing something new that you have never attempted before in your life, but you feel a very strong pull, try to head towards it. It’s what your souls wants to do.

Pretty soon you won’t be able to avoid it. You will develop a reason or even a medical issue that will prevent you from doing what you thought you were supposed to be doing. Like my foot problem. If I continue to work in the service industry, my foot will get worse and I will eventually have to stop anyway. This can’t continue. The best I can do is try to avoid suffering more later by writing now and hoping the finishing of my book beats my foot reaching the breaking point. I will be forced to stop sooner or later, I might as well get ahead of the game. I just started my book two days ago, now I can’t even sleep in anymore. I know my angels were cracking up this morning. I was kicking and screaming and whining about not being able to get back to sleep and I knew exactly why. I could not stop thinking about my book. How a little bit of sacrifice not sleeping in would pay off big in a little while. I kept thinking about how bad my foot hurts at the end of the night at work. I was literally kicking my legs and throwing a hissy fit because I wanted so badly to go back to sleep and sleep in today. I’m sure my mommy was watching over me cracking up. Just like the old days when I would throw shoes at her when she came to wake me up for the bus.

I have no choice. My soul won’t settle for less now. I have opened Pandora’s box, and it’s time to tell my crazy ass life story. If you don’t know me now, you will. I guess I will have to get over that lifelong fear of speaking in front of large groups. AWESOME. I have one thing to say about it….GUTS OVER FEAR!

Have a mind-blowing-ly awesome day ya’ll!!!

Love you guys!!


Photo by Ruan Carlos on Unsplash


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