Recently, I made a new friend at the restaurant I work at. Luckily, he checks in on me time to time and it prompts me to think about things. It prompts me to take a look at my life. He emailed me checking in on me and asking if I was mad. Here was my reply:
No I am not mad. My energy has been back and forth lately. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I am uncharted waters. I feel like i am on the brink of something, but I can’t quite tilt the scales. Maybe something wonderful is coming? I have a feeling I should be writing my story in a book. I had a completely chaotic childhood, 14 years of addiction then I entered rehab on my own in 2005, I was in a emotionally and sexually abusive relationship/marriage for five years, I inherited a total of almost $100,000 from my parents and blew it all, then I lost the job I loved and made great money at about a year and half ago because of something I did that was a big mistake, I almost got into a lot of trouble over it too. i feel like I want to tell that story to help other realize they can make numerous mistake and screw ups and not let them define you. It’s like i know my purpose, but it takes courage to admit everything and wipe the slate clean. To become vulnerable to others, you know? But truth is what sets you free, and it can help others too. Especially when you can talk about the things that I have been through openly with the rest of the planet. One quote hangs in my mind, and I will paraphrase it since I am not positive of the exact quote. The darkest cave holds the treasures that you seek. It’s like i have to muster all of my courage to tell my story. The real one. From my perspective.
I have been hanging on by a thread at Taste of Belgium because in my heart I know it’s not what I should be doing with my life. It’s like I can’t tolerate being there because I am so restless. Some days i feel overwhelmed and I just want to leave even though it’s my only source of income right now. It’s just not sitting right with my soul…lol if you know what I mean?
Back in high school, I was great at anything artistic. Sculpting with clay, painting, drawing, sketching. I was good at it. I loved it. Here’s the catch, right now I don’t have the budget to allow me to pursue any other artistic outlet except for writing. It costs me nothing at all. My intuition is telling me that I had to be backed into the corner, so to speak, so that I would be “forced” to use the only creative outlet possible. It’s all up to me when I want to be of service to the world and I feel worthy of accepting abundance and prosperity into my life. i just haven’t been able to either become motivated or face my “fear” of writing my story, and facing all of those emotions that need to be processed while I am producing this book that shares my story with the world. it makes perfect sense to me. It really does. I just need to start!
I’d love feedback if you have any advice!!!
If you have anything to suggest to help me get through this blockage, this false sense of fear, please let me know in the comments or IM me on Facebook.
I love you all and appreciate all of your feedback and encouragement!!!