Today has been a struggle for me. In my home life I have not allowed myself peace. I am struggling in my marriage. I’m with a non-believer and he hasn’t learned,or chosen, to not engage in negative behaviors. I mean he wants to exist, that’s a good thing I suppose.
He doesn’t have a clue how to disengage from an argument. Well, he didn’t this morning at least. I mean the first interaction we had was a confrontation. I am still struggling creating a good marriage, I suppose. I left for a month and a half. I wanted to see if we had anything left to build on, any feelings for each other. We did. He’s just harboring some very angry emotions. I fear that if he doesn’t let this shit go, he’s gonna end up checking out or becoming very ill. This is going to be a turbulent year for energy and if you don’t clear some of that anger and sadness from your emotional system, your physical body will start to react by producing dis-ease.
I know I can’t control him and his awakening, and it’s not my job to. It’s his free will. He may have to have a tragedy happen before he can wake up. I just wish it didn’t have to happen like that. Why do we have to suffer so much and be so brainwashed that we can’t change? I mean, I guess I just had such a rough childhood and suffered so much in four marriages that I will grasp at straws to create a better mood and a better life for myself. I choose happiness!
Now he is “punishing” me by going in the other room to act interested in what his son is doing. He used to get a reaction from me by doing that. I used to feel like an outcast, like he was excluding me. Which is exactly what he’s trying to create, misery does love company after all.
I guess he doesn’t realize I left for a month and a half, discovered I would NOT die without his existence in my life, and that I am MORE than capable of living on my own. Sometimes I have a feeling I should have stayed there.
The soul that is inside me, the stubborn Capricorn loves a good challenge though. Easy is for pu$$ies. Love doesn’t give up. I don’t give up. Not because of one argument. Love conquers all. He can’t be mean forever. I know this. It uses up energy. It’s literally exhausting to hold up the charade. Some day he will just let go and relax.
Someday he will realize I am here to love him, not to hurt him like whoever it was before.